Flashback: hsg test

How did I get on this pre-pregnancy/pre-Khubz nostalgia kick? I don't know. I've received some complaints (ahem, aMcK) so I'll be offering full refunds for dissatisfied customers.

hysterosalpingograpy

is a test to check out the shape, size and condition of my uterus & fallopian tubes. They do this by inserting a straw through your cervix (in this case, through my cervix.) They then insert and inflate a balloon, next a "contrast medium" (dye) is inserted.

before you can get to all this, though, you have to get past the nursing school student. She showed Scully and I to a little cubby and gave me one of the luxurious hospital gowns. Then she had some standard questions: date of birth, first day of my last period, have I had sex since my last period? 11/76, Nov 9th, yes.

oh, she says. She'll have to check with the doctor.

Here's what happened next.

me: but i do absolutely know i'm not pregnant. Is it about pregnancy?
her: but you can't really know. how can you be sure?
me: i don't have sex with men.

her. oh.

actually, it was more like this: oh. oooooohhhhhh. . . . really?? (with a squeak at the end.)

Scully then helped smooth things out. Standing in the corner with her arms straight at her sides: helloooo. (waiving her hand at the nurse) he-helloo. i'm her partner.

hilarious. i can't even convey it well in words. it really did improve my day.

Once we were actually in the exam room we were told that Scully couldn't stay in the room. This was upsetting because I knew it was going to be uncomfortable & i was just kind of scared. She couldn't stay, though, because use radiation. (it is basically an x-ray.) So she assumed her post right outside the door.

The actual nurse came in and explained the procedure to me. That's all good even though I knew they were lying about the "it feels just like menstrual cramps." Then this male nurse came in and he looked strangely familiar. Hey! He was on the local channel 6 cooking show and he made pumpkin flan with Carmel topping! It looked super yummy too.

The woman nurse says he's here to observe the explanation but not the actual test. okay. okay. So I sign the required waivers for the test. One small comment is made about taking my vitals. Suddenly, three people have their hands on me. The nurse sticks a thermometer under my tongue. The guy puts some meter on my finger. The student is trying to put a blood pressure sleeve on my arm. Ah! There are too many people and I am too freaked out. I pulled the thermometer out of my mouth. There are tears in my eyes and I am freaked.

"I want no unnecessary people in the room during the test" I say why looking right at the guy. The woman nurse reassures me. "We know this is very personal. It will only be the Dr, me and the student." Poor male nurse leaves, taking his pumpkin flan with him. We are waiting for the dr. and I ask them to let Scully come back in until he comes. The student must have just finished her chapter in "there there"ing patients and was trying to comfort me.

No. Don't touch me unnecessarily. Just let my woman back in the room.

Scully comes back in and I immediately began to feel better, though still scared.

The dr (Dr. Orth, a man with gorgeous blue eyes but rather large hands) comes in and explains the procedure. I'm glad Scully got to hear him explain it. Also, he didn't make any stupid cramp comparisons. So then Scully had to leave. She said she stood right outside the door with her arms crossed. She also said she heard them lock the door behind her.

And while Scully was assuming the position outside, I was assuming the position on the table. I had never had any kind of pelvic exam done by a man and I was seriously alarmed. I did have Kirsten's voice in my head: by the time you're actually in labor everyone has already seen all your stuff anyway.

The most painful part was when they were getting all of the equipment in place--inside me.

They scrubbed my cervix clean (squeaky clean) and then just pushed right up on through it.

I often like to think of my cervix as a

or a

but on this particular day it was more of a

or a

In the end it all felt like

Apparently I deal with discomfort by adding qualifiers to my sentences. During the initial push into my vagina I was really hurting and expressed it this way. "Ah, okay, that's really, pretty extremely painful." The dr asked for some direction. Was it more painful on the right? the left? Again, a push. "Ah, I'm really not able to explain it. It's just a sharp pain--feels sharp actually, pretty seriously just extremely painful." They had to stop and start all over again. Again Kirsten came to mind this time talking about how many women in labor wind up shitting on the table. hahahahah! And I relaxed a little thinking of Kirsten and also of Scully's earlier "helllooooo."

Once everything was in place it wasn't as painful. I had taken some aleve earlier and I didn't cramp up when they inserted the dye. I am glad they told me to expect "drainage" and told me that they dye was orange. The dr said everything looked perfect. I remember thinking that his eyes were really blue. They should get the actual report out to the fertility clinic next week.