Saturday, January 31, 2009

Isokay, mommy. 'sokay.

One of the problems with depression (in my case, pregnancy detox) is that you become unreasonable, irrational and unpredictable. It makes your memory faulty. You feel done with it but can't seem to will it away. Everyone around you feels done with it. You begin to worry that relationships can't sustain the ridiculous levels of sadness when actually you have every reason you've ever had to feel joyous. It is hard to call friends because you don't want to subject them to your misery since you can't stand being around yourself either. At the same time, staying in your house and not talking to friends and family only makes you feel more miserable. And yet you cannot logic yourself out of it.

When you do get a bit of good sleep it is just enough to make you feel like you can access your skills at biting sarcasm (and your skills are considerable. )

The justified complaints get tangled up in the ridiculous ones. Or they get tied up in defensiveness from other things. It is difficult and complicated.

And sometimes, you just really need a reminder that you are actually having a good time in this world that you've spent so many years wishing for.

I don't do so good with the "positive messaging" for myself. My mother busted out the word "castigate" when describing how I am talking to myself.

But I do know I'm not going to remember very much of this (just cause I'm not sleeping much) and I'll be sad that the memory I do have is (shudder) "that sucked!" Because it isn't all unreasonable sad feelings.

There are occasional 2 am moments when I look at Stinky and feel real camaraderie with him like, okay. Its two am and we're going to have to get through this night together. Just us and the herb detectives.

And Khubz, for all the boundary testing, is very fun. It's not all purple sharpie marker on Gramma and Grampa's bedroom carpet (and tv remote and laundry basket and box springs and telephone and exercise bike.) For real--we are having fun together too. And look, I have proof!

Good job, Mommy, Good Job: Sticky Square

Take a length of contact paper & tape it sticky side up to the carpet. Let the frivolity begin.

This kept her busy (on and off) for an hour (!!) And I felt like a good mommy for turning the tv off. And I felt like a really good mommy when she started doing all this imaginary play with the box being a pool, having her animals tromp through there and get stuck in the mud, taking a bath and needing soap etc.

So today's mission is to do something fun: all four of us. Something purely fun. All of us. Together. Fun.

And to try and get a bit more sleep. Here's the inspiration for that one:

Monday, January 26, 2009

First Kiss

Saturday, January 24, 2009

almost back with the living

So a bit of postpartum depression going on. It will pass and I am keeping my eye on the horizon. Enormous gratitude for a toddler who will sleep through a newborn crying and a newborn who will sleep through a toddler crying. In fact, let's just get a gratitude list going.

Thank yous to the universe and to

  • Friends who still love me even though I haven't answered my phone in three weeks.
  • The blogosphere with their well wishes even though I haven't been online in three weeks
  • Family who do not roll their eyes at me even when I say things I know are painful & ridiculous (or perhaps, painfully ridiculous)
  • A beloved Scully who is right now cleaning the house and rallying Khubz to help her
  • My unbelievable mother who got SOM to sleep for a five hour stretch
  • Khubz who asks me regularly, "mommy crying? I'sokay, mommy. 'Sokay."
  • SOM who is a shockingly laid back baby
  • Everyone who is still waiting for those baby announcements. . . they will get mailed out eventually--i promise
  • Elmo, Bob Construe and Plaza Sesamo--who have been a crucial part of my parenting lately
  • Every daycare provider everywhere
  • Friends who drive up despite my warnings that I will ruin their weekend
  • Rosemary & Thyme (the "herb detectives" as Scully calls them) for their vapid show, the equivilant of scooby doo for adults
  • Lots, lots more.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

And then there were two

Thursday morning, while scrambling some eggs, I peed myself in the kitchen. But did I? Usually the "totally normal amount of accidental urine leakage for a second pregnancy" is accompanied by a response to stop the pee. I had no sensation of peeing or of trying to stop peeing. I was just wet on my thighs and underwear.

"I think my water just broke."

Scully looked at me blankly. I don't think it was disbelief. I think it was more in fear that this was another great labor pronouncement that would end in more disappointment, particularly for me. We would have to ride along together through the roller coaster of excited and panicky only to end up with irritation and disappointment.

The doctor says to go on in and have the nurses check me out. Khubz is dropped off at gramma's house, Scully & I buzz down to dsm to the hospital. One hour and a pelvic exam later it is determined that I have pissed myself while scrambling some eggs. See ya. Really the professional medical opinion? You pissed yourself.

Hold that thought, though.

In truth the nurse, Nancee, was very nice. She said things like, stop writing down all your contraction times. You're only making yourself crazy. When you double over or can't stop yourself from moaning--then write it down. That was freeing in a way. She also advised that I should try to "relax into the contraction" so it would actually have an impact on my cervix.

Still, I was extremely disappointed. I was no more dilated than I had been at the doctor's on Monday. It was now Thursday and I had spent all of Wednesday walking my ass off. All for nothing. Oh well. Scully and I left the hospital and stopped at the Mexican neighborhood where I ate roasted chilis in the hope that our bean would get inspired.

Later that night Khubz was tucked in bed, my mom called and I tearfully asked her to come over. Scully, Mom & I sat in the living room watching british drama (Foyle's war, of course) and I decided my "last meal" could really come at any point. It was time to begin the buffet.

I sat down to eat a mango. It may be the best mango I had ever eaten. It was perfectly ripe without being squishy. It was firm without being stringy or fibrous. It even peeled nicely. So I had some mango and was cajoled into walking around the house a bit between bites. Not that it was going to do me any good, right?

Five minutes of walking and I returned to my sweet tender mango. Oh, cherished mango, you are the only one who really understands me, I cooed to it while Mom & Scully asked if I shouldn't keep walking.

So I took another bite and there was this audible "pop" followed by a swoosh. I gasped and asked Mom & Scully if they'd heard it too. They hadn't heard the pop but the entire couch was now clearly wet. This was not accidental urine leakage. "My water just broke!" Scully grabs a towel and runs outside to start the car. My mom hops on the phone to rally the tribe. I sat on the couch wet and stunned.

Mom reported this to one of my sisters. "Her water just broke! Really! All over the couch. How does she feel? She looks a little bit in shock. And wet."

Scully bundles Khubz into Gramma's van. Khubz will stay at Gramma & Grampa's. We dropped Khubz off, picked up Tia Lila and off we went: Scully, me, Gramma and Tia Lila. The Bean moved his head at one point and everyone could hear another woosh of fluid dripping all over the passenger seat and onto the floor. Um. Sorry about that, Mom.

On the way to DSM my contractions were four, three, sometimes two minutes apart. At the hospital the admitting nurse asked if I was sure my water had broken and I informed her that I was and, actually, I was dripping all over her floor. Another sister, Tia Teefa met us at the hospital a bit later.

That was all about 9 o'clock at night. Five short hours later our son came screaming into the world. Screaming.

I know that I regularly complain about Khubz taking 52 hours to come into the world. That was a bit excessive, no? But five hours. Five hours was a whole different kind of hard.

I did use some pain meds this time. Something that starts with an F that they give you in an IV. I refer to this as my "shot of tequilla." It was nice for about 20 minutes. The only drawback was that ever after I could not open my eyes without getting dizzy and nauseous.

With Khubz, I did a lot of focusing away from pain by gazing and staring at Scully. Since I couldn't do that I squeezed the fuck out of her hand. I did not notice (it was reported to me later) that she took off her ring in fear that I would bend it. Since I couldn't see my mom or my sisters either I would periodically call out, "are you guys still here??" The nurses answered with a resounding, "YES! We are here! :) " No, not you--but don't you leave either!! I wanted to shout back.

The doctor still wasn't there. As the contractions mounted I informed everyone that I was "feeling a lot of pressure." That was not, apparently, enough to alarm them. " THIS BABY IS COMING! I HAVE TO PUSH!" I was at 10 centimeters. This is when the room filled up with nurses. The doctor still MIA.

The commandment came down: don't push! My feet were locked together to try and keep this baby inside. I needed my socks taken off because they were making my feet slip. Scully was momentarily released from my death grip to remove my socks. I saw a slight grimace as she pulled them off my feet. "I know, I know. My feet stink. I'm sorry, okay?!" Actually, it was that my socks were sopping wet with amniotic fluid. Way past stinky feet grimace.

Another urge to push. "Blow it away. Blow the pain away." Scully, just as we had practiced, was puffing and blowing. "You're taking all my air!!!" I shrieked at her. This was a replay from Khubz's birth. I heard some chuckling from the peanut gallery and began yelling "Don't laugh at me! You don't get to laugh at me!!" At another point I turned to Scully and told her, "Okay. I can't actually be here. I have to leave actually. I can't be here." Where is she planning to go? one of the nurses asked Scully. Anywhere but here, perhaps.

While I was resisting the urge to push, my mom and the sisters were resisting the urge to shout, "just push that baby out! you don't have to wait for that doctor!!" I should have, too. It felt like hours later and the doctor came. He walked in the door and started putting booties over his shoes. I don't care about your shoes! This baby is coming!

A few short pushes and our son literally ran out into the world.


There are lots more stories, and many thanks for the congratulations and well wishes. The boychild is getting hungry so I'll write more later.

We are all doing well, though. Khubz is amazing even though this is a tough adjustment. Scully and I are doing much better figuring things out than we did the first time round. But stay patient with us. There's not a lot of sleep in casa de fruitbasket right now. But there are these wonderfully, bleary eyed moments of tenderness. Just take a look.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Birth Story

Yes. These really are his feet.

We have a son now! Khubz has a brother! She is a big sister!!

I haven't settled on his blog name so we'll just go with Mijo for now.

He is beautiful.

And he is awake. Internet access is on order. Look for the birth story soon.

love you.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

queen of prelabor

Let me tell you how I really feel. Sigh. I am having contractions but they don't seem to be going anywhere. You remember that movie the Blair witch project? They were lost in the woods the whole time and you kept yelling at the screen " just follow the fucking river already!! You will stop going in circles and we can all get on with the fucking movie! "

this is about about where I am. We all know there will be an exciting climax. In my case labor. Inthe case of the movie, a bloody, badly acted death scene. Both exciting to be sure. But how much do we all have to suffer before getting to it???

We know the main event is coming. Now we just have to wander aimlessly through the woods for a while with all sorts of teaser moments to keep things exciting. Really, the mini faker climax has just never been my thing.