Saturday, January 31, 2009

Isokay, mommy. 'sokay.

One of the problems with depression (in my case, pregnancy detox) is that you become unreasonable, irrational and unpredictable. It makes your memory faulty. You feel done with it but can't seem to will it away. Everyone around you feels done with it. You begin to worry that relationships can't sustain the ridiculous levels of sadness when actually you have every reason you've ever had to feel joyous. It is hard to call friends because you don't want to subject them to your misery since you can't stand being around yourself either. At the same time, staying in your house and not talking to friends and family only makes you feel more miserable. And yet you cannot logic yourself out of it.

When you do get a bit of good sleep it is just enough to make you feel like you can access your skills at biting sarcasm (and your skills are considerable. )

The justified complaints get tangled up in the ridiculous ones. Or they get tied up in defensiveness from other things. It is difficult and complicated.

And sometimes, you just really need a reminder that you are actually having a good time in this world that you've spent so many years wishing for.

I don't do so good with the "positive messaging" for myself. My mother busted out the word "castigate" when describing how I am talking to myself.

But I do know I'm not going to remember very much of this (just cause I'm not sleeping much) and I'll be sad that the memory I do have is (shudder) "that sucked!" Because it isn't all unreasonable sad feelings.

There are occasional 2 am moments when I look at Stinky and feel real camaraderie with him like, okay. Its two am and we're going to have to get through this night together. Just us and the herb detectives.

And Khubz, for all the boundary testing, is very fun. It's not all purple sharpie marker on Gramma and Grampa's bedroom carpet (and tv remote and laundry basket and box springs and telephone and exercise bike.) For real--we are having fun together too. And look, I have proof!

Good job, Mommy, Good Job: Sticky Square

Take a length of contact paper & tape it sticky side up to the carpet. Let the frivolity begin.

This kept her busy (on and off) for an hour (!!) And I felt like a good mommy for turning the tv off. And I felt like a really good mommy when she started doing all this imaginary play with the box being a pool, having her animals tromp through there and get stuck in the mud, taking a bath and needing soap etc.

So today's mission is to do something fun: all four of us. Something purely fun. All of us. Together. Fun.

And to try and get a bit more sleep. Here's the inspiration for that one:


growingapair said...

That pic of the kids sleeping would be making my ovaries crazy if I weren't already 400 years pregnant.

I miss you friend, and I love you, and you're doing fantastically, and sometimes the only way out is through.

I wish I could hug you right now!

thesockdrawer said...

ok so you can't do the Positive self talk righ now...I'll fo it for you. You are amazing! You are a wonderful friend, partner, and mother. I love you so much!
The sticky mat looks awesome by the way!

Marie said...

Beautiful babies! thanks for the photos - they make you seem closer. How wonderful you all can be close to your family - "Spoilin' Central" I suppose, and that's just right.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing woman and mom, I admire you.

I know depression, especially postpartum...feel free at any time to call and cry, vent, scream or sniffle on my shoulder...I can hold your pain or your hand for a while so you can be free for the moment...

A HUG from afar and love with all my heart.

Much love,

DaisyDeadhead said...

Too precious for words--I linked you today!!!! ((kiss kiss kissssss the babeeez))))