Thursday, May 22, 2008

This is not a diet blog

Please don't feel any fear.

I have been fat all my life.
I remember being in second grade and being told I had big boobs. I didn't have big boobs. Actually, I was just fatty. Everywhere. Including my quite prepubescent chest.

I actually enjoy roundness, including my own.
I met the venus of willendorf when we came back to the states to live. I was 12. My witchy sister who had been living here for years was living in a small apartment with her partner and her ferrets and her cat. I came to her house to hang out and the only spot there was for me to pray was right in front of her witchy altar. And there was the venus. I prayed before her with arabic words, muslim ritual form and complete devotion to her.

I loved her for her round form, her stance, all the places where she curved and poured. It was impossible to ignore her. I loved her large legs, her sagging breasts, her distinctly drawn labia. I was lost in her face--a maze of anything i needed.

I have loved her ever since. I was raised with the idea that I am sacred. But it was the first conscious moment where I knew that my body as it is might just be sacred. And I trembled with the thought that I might worship that which was like me.

I have a necklace of the venus in bronze. "Is that Buddha?" I was constantly asked. "Look closer" I offer them the perfect view of her cunt.

Writing from KY, I am wearing the small silver labrys I've worn the last 8 years. And I'm not trading in the labrys for the venus--so please no worries of prioritizing identities. But I think I need her now. Distinctly.

Being such a large woman now pregnant with twins means I am acutely aware of gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, diabetes in general, worried about throwing my back out when I'm only 4 months along. . . . you can all guess. I've also been reading that some of the best indicators of health for twins is the mom's nutrition and steady weight gain throughout the pregnancy.

And 120 grams of protein a day.

So I find myself charting what I eat, how much, it's calorie content, protein content, whether it is a good source of fiber, folic acid or calcium. This is not my natural state. So I want the goddess with me, right with me, alongside me, dangling over my throat, my heart, above my belly. I'm not trying to get away from her. I know I am her. While all this change is swirling around me, that is not going to change.

She has plenty for me to hold on to. Joyfully.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


I know it is not at all obvious in my previous spinning post but I am really very happy about having twins. I already wonder who these little people will be when they come into the world. Who will we meet? How will the world change? I think Scully & Khubz & I are all up for it. And my mom is shrieking with joy. Shrieking. Joyfully.

I am feeling better about Khubz, too.

I think in the previous post I was really adjusting to the idea, unsure about all the things that would change and unable to picture anything at all. I have some more ideas now and have been reassured that Khubz & I will not be lost to one another. We'll be tired for a while. That's okay. Sometimes the mommies just are tired.

So now we're browsing the double strollers and looking for one that has a "rumble seat" where Khubz could ride as well. Also, she'll be two and a half. It will be the middle of winter. By the time spring comes around we will have had some practice. And we are totally practicing the "hold mommie's hand" when we walk. She is a very good girl.

I am missing her. And Scully. And I also love being pregnant. I love the idea that what will grow into my children are already with me. That as I was eating my yummy spinach salad there were these two embryos very excited about the iron and "leafy green"-ness of it all. And I talk to them.

I should also tell you that we have nicknames. So Khubz was "zygy" when she was in utero. Zygote turned into zygy and that stuck even after she was waay past zygote and even once she was a fetus. We dropped it as soon as she was in the world. She was immediately "Khubz" for us.

So we were looking again at all the points of development and I said "blastocyst. cool." And Scully dubbed my pregnancy "blasty." And now it's Blasty squared. And you know what that makes me? That's right! I'm Masterblaster! who knew that Mad Max would be such a longlasting theme in my parenting?

I will say that the beds are very nice here. I am sleeping well and I am really excited that I get to go to bed as soon as the meeting is over each day! 6 o'clock bedtime, here I come!

Additionally, check out the beautiful fruit we had on the breakfast buffet this morning. The pic doesn't do it justice, but it's not bad for a camera phone.

amost live blogging

Well, i'm here in KY, Louisville specifically. Lovely city. We've had amazing food. Very kind people. 16th largest us city, did you know? So my problems are not about louisville or ky even. It's just that

i'm away from my family for a week. Blech.

Khubz has an ear infection, again. We are taking her to an ENT doc next to talk about tubes. This is her seventh ear infection since last september.

it's primary night in ky and where is hillary holding her primary night gala?
at. this. hotel.
for. real.

We've all been issued wrist bands to prove we're in the country (hotel) legally. Secret service are crawling all over this place, which frankly is fucking creepy enough all ready because the fucking NRA is having some sort of meeting here today. THE HOTEL IS GOING ON LOCKDOWN THIS EVENING.

I feel like in some ways this may be a missed opportunity for live event blogging but I don't think I'd be able to stomach it.

Instead let me widge on about my pregnancy. I'm feeling much better, not nearly as naseuas this week. We found a great bistro a couple blocks from the hotel and I had an amazing salad of spinach, walnuts, strawberries and goat cheese crutons. YUM. I also had some salmon. I get to check off 3 major food groups: leafy greens, protein, & omega-3 fats. Great.

I cannot wait to talk to a nutritionalist about what I should/not be eating during this pregnancy. Mostly because I want to actively avoid gestational diabetes and I would like these babies to come safely into the world and I would like to stay safely in the world. I have obligations already, you know?

Alright, I'm signing off. Thanks for listeneing.

Sunday, May 18, 2008


"We have a secret in our culture and it's not that birth is painful. Its that women are strong." Laura Stavae Harm

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Um. . . .Actually. . . . (or, blogpost in which I spiral out of control & then try to redeem myself)

So, twins. Yes, twins. Twins. See above diagram. Twins.

Twins will mean many things. (inshallah applies to all of these, please don't make me type it over & over & over)

  • Twins means not three. Thank Jesus Christ. I had three "ripe" follicles when we inseminated.

  • Twins means no more crazy-womyn-juice for me. Ever. Still want four? Let's see. And if so, there are other ways of adding to the family.
  • Twins means we will have two more babies in the family.

  • Everything is going to change. Guess what? Everything was going to change anyway. If I'm truthful, I'd have likely had a panic attack no matter what we found out at the sonogram today. It just happens that my panic attack is about twins. Our twins.

  • Our back-to-tightwaddery begins now. I am feeling so vulnerable with all these thoughts swirling in my head. Don't tell anyone at work but I can't imagine I could keep my job (we would clear $ 300/month after daycare expenses and I commute and I could never keep any kind of travel schedule and I would be completely fucking useless anyway with what's left of my brain and I may already be!!) I'll have to work somewhere evenings/weekends because I can't get on Scully's insurance & I am someone who must have insurance. I don't know if Scully & I will ever see eachother or if we'll just do the kid-shuffle meet & greet as we pass between each other. And what if I have to be out on bedrest before the babies come and what if we tank through my paid leave and our savings during the pregnancy? Money does not really make us safer in the world and I get that but having something in savings makes me feel a bit more secure. Even if that savings account is rapidly losing value simply because it is in US dollars.

  • And women do this all the time with less money, less support, less resources, without respect from their partner, facing violence from immigration officials detaining them or their family, violence from their partner who says "sure you're pregnant & bleeding but there's nothing wrong with your mouth", violence from the welfare state which monitors and controls their mothering, their bodies, their lives. . . Women do this all the time. with less help. with greater risks.
  • Khubz was just crying. I went upstairs to get her out of her crib (it's 5 am.) She sat up, said "sheep", grabbed her sheep and moved into my arms. I sat in the chair holding her and she immediately fell back asleep, her body nuzzled into mine, her face nuzzled into sheep. And I thought "I cannot wait to give you more family to love." And I thought "I cannot believe I will have two more babies, inshallah, to hold and love the way i hold & love khubz." And I kissed her head and thought "ya, Khubz, I am so sorry that everything between me & you is going to change." And I thought "I hope we are doing the right thing for you." And I thought "I am a bit fucking scared right now."
  • So please don't mishear me, blogosphere/dear reader/universe/goddess. I am grateful, excited, thankful, humbled by this new way in the world. I know that I don't know anything yet. And I do believe that Scully & Khubz and I all bounce really well. I am keenly aware that many women may not even know they are pregnant yet and that means we have a lot of distance to cover. I know many things may yet happen and my energy should exclusively go towards hoping we all get safely into the world & stay. And I do hope that. And I do wish & pray for the well-being of my family.
  • And I'm feeling a bit better. And I know we're all adjusting to an idea.
  • And I am excited to pick pairs of names and put them on my tongue along with "Khubz" and "Scully" and "Fruitfemme"
  • And I know we have lots of family we can move in with. (ahem, are you reading this Kelly?)
  • And I know we have phenomenal supportive friends
  • And I know Scully woke up at 3 in the morning to help me through my panic attack and I know I will have more & I know Scully is actually quite practiced at helping me recenter
  • And along with that I know that I have cavernous emotional-needs and I cannot expect one partner or one blog to absorb all of that
  • And so I'm going to leave it there and go check out the double-stroller at a garage sale while the rest of my family is still sound asleep.

love you,

the ff

Thursday, May 15, 2008

good news & getting through the day

look what i found while i was going through some old files, trying to get through the day.

khubz y ummkhubz

in touch with the world today.

it's all bad news over at democracy now (which is actually indicitive of the what's going on in the world)

feeling sad today.

If you'd like to join me check out:

Democracy Now's report on how Monsanto is profiting from food scarcity across the world.

Anti-racist Parenting's post on how black children are the blue light special at adoption agencies.

This American Life's explanation (in plain language) of the housing crisis and how we are all fucked.

And oh, I almost forgot, happy fucking birthday israel (graphic pics disclaimer)

So I know I'm feeling anxious today & that tends to send me further in to my head. And I know there's lots in the world to feel sad about.

On the other side of that, here's a pic from earth day. Khubz was given a daffodil and pretty immediately the bloom fell off. That's okay, though. Because it was really the stem she thought was beautiful. (thanks to amanda for the pic!)

Immigration raids in my home state

First off: pop quiz.
What percent of the world's immigrant population is in the united states?
Fifteen? Seven? Five?

Less than one percent.

Solidarity Statement Concerning Guatemalans in Detention after ICE Raid in
Postville, Iowa

May 14, 2008
The following can be attributed to: amalia anderson, Carlos Ariel, Axel Fuentes, Reginaldo Haslett Marroquín, and Ana Nájera Mendoza,

"No one should be subjected to arbitrary arrests, detention or exile".
Article 9, Universal Declaration of Human Rights
“ Everyone has the right to liberty and security of person. No one shall be subjected to arbitrary arrest or detention. No one shall be deprived of his liberty except on such grounds and in accordance with such procedure as are established by law.”
Article 9, International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights

As Guatemalans (by birth and by family origin) living in the United States we strongly condemn the Postville, Iowa raid--the largest single-site enforcement operation of its kind in the history of the United States. Of the 390 workers reportedly detained, nearly three hundred are from Guatemala.
According to statistics from the United Nations, over 125 million people throughout the world live and work outside their countries of origin. Human migration is a global phenomenon fueled by war, persecution, economic and social inequality, environmental disaster, and poverty. International migration will continue until the underlying causes forcing people from their homelands are eliminated. As Guatemalans, we are too familiar with Human Rights violations and their lasting effects. During our country’s 36-year long civil war: 200,000 people were killed or disappeared and as many as 1.5 million people were displaced internally or forced to flee the country. U.S. funding and training underwrote the war – leaving the country in shambles and forcing many to leave. Those of us able to publicly sign this letter and our brothers and sisters sitting now in detention centers and unable to sign this letter, came to this country fleeing the effects of the U.S. funded, civil war. As over three hundred Guatemalans now sit in detention in Iowa, we ask you to grieve with us and protest the obvious irony.
According to the U.S. Constitution, all people residing in the United States, regardless of their immigration status, are entitled to due process of law. The United States is committed to principles of democracy and fairness, yet hundreds of people are detained--frequently without access to counsel and without contact from their families. Many are terrified at the possibility of being returned to a home they may no longer know, or where they will be unable to earn a living wage. In the case of Guatemala, we mustn’t forget the additional challenges of returning to a country devastated by decades of civil war. The U.S. policy of detaining and deporting people does not address these realities.
The recent Postville Raids raises questions about the continued role the United States government plays in the lives of Guatemalans. Unlike the war years, however, we now have the opportunity to ensure that core U.S. values of democracy and fairness prevail! On behalf of our brothers and sisters in detention—we call for transparent, fair and humane treatment in accordance with our U.S. constitutional norms of due process and equal protection. We believe that all human beings in this country have a right to be treated with dignity and respect, even in situations of detention and arrest. Though nothing can undo the destruction caused by the civil war in Guatemala, we are currently presented with an opportunity to stand up and not allow the legacy of our government’s past to continue in the present and the future. Fellow Guatemalans, join us!

For more information, or to add your name please contact:
Regi Marroquín:
amalia anderson:

from the dsm register
Concern rises over welfare of detainees' children
Postville, Ia. – Children of detainees might not be cared for if the detainees were afraid to tell immigration officials that they have children, said Sister Mary McCauley of St. Bridget’s Catholic Church.McCauley said she’s concerned that those who were detained after the Monday morning raid at the Agriprocessors Inc. plant were afraid their children would be arrested.

“Some could still be in an apartment, maybe with an aunt or older brother or sister,” McCauley said. “How would they get food if they’re afraid to go outside?”McCauley said her concerns were echoed by many inside the church, where illegal immigrants have gathered since after the raid, seeking sanctuary. “How do we get into the houses to find out when they’re afraid to open the door?” McCauley said. Trevor Seibert, who owns 20 apartments in Postville that he said are mostly rented by Hispanics, said he went door-to-door on Monday to check if any children were left unsupervised. He found all children with an adult, but now fears that many apartments are left unoccupied by Agriprocessors workers who fled Postville after the raid. Seibert owns a Laundromat, café, a construction company, the rental units and said he has about $2 million in loans. “If the bank didn’t work with me and the plant doesn’t stay open, I stand to lose everything,” Seibert said. “That said, I’m lucky the bank is working with me. I hate to say it, but do they have a choice?“Do they want to own millions of dollars worth of real estate in this town? I don’t want to own millions of dollars worth of real estate in this town.”Seibert said he didn’t issue rental applications to his tenants, and each of them was on a month-to-month lease. When he began to rent apartments to tenants who worked at Agriprocessors about 10 years ago, they were young single men, “a little wild for our community.”Since then, he said, there have been more families moving into the area and into his apartments.
“We liked our families,” he said. “Those were our friends and neighbors. You didn’t come into town and roust out a bunch of illegal immigrants. You came into town and rousted out our neighbors, our friends.”“I don’t feel safer today than before.”

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Quickie Update

Hello fruity blogosphere!

Thanks for all the congratulations & good wishes. We are thrilled here at the fruit basket. So much is still unknown so I am trying to chill out (I suck at this, btw.) So what are we waiting on now?

The results of my beta HcG & progesterone tests. The first one was good. I should have results from Friday's test soon.

A sonogram where we find out exactly what our lives may look like. Or, really, not exactly. I had three follicles that were ready to go when we inseminated. Anything is possible. It is possible that not all the follicles had eggs. It is possible that not all the eggs were released. It is possible that not all of the eggs were fertilized. It is possible that not all the eggs implanted. I have been bleeding & spotting on & off quite a bit so it's also possible that not all the eggs have hung around. We won't know how many we're talking about until the sonogram. I am super excited about finding this out.

We (of course) will take anyone the universe sends our way, with gratitude. It does feel like something important to know, however.

In other news, we had a great mother's day weekend. Joe & her husband & MajPaj all came down and we enjoyed Mexican Mother's Day on Saturday and another Mother's Day on Sunday. Just another benefit of twice the mommies.

I don't have tons of time right now but I encourage you to hop over to QWoC and check out the top 8 things folks of mixed race do not want to hear. Nicely done.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

The Verdict!!!!!!!!


Monday, May 5, 2008

while we're waiting

Within 24-hours after fertilization, the egg begins dividing rapidly into many cells. It remains in the fallopian tube for about three days. The fertilized egg (called a zygote) continues to divide as it passes slowly through the fallopian tube to the uterus where its next job is to attach to the endometrium (a process called implantation). First the zygote becomes a solid ball of cells, then it becomes a hollow ball of cells called a blastocyst. Before implantation, the blastocyst breaks out of its protective covering. When the blastocyst establishes contact with the endometrium, an exchange of hormones helps the blastocyst attach. Some women notice spotting (or slight bleeding) for one or two days around the time of implantation. The endometrium becomes thicker and the cervix is sealed by a plug of mucus.
Within three weeks, the blastocyst cells begin to grow as clumps of cells within that little ball, and the baby's first nerve cells have already formed. Your developing baby is called an embryo from the moment of conception to the eighth week of pregnancy. After the eighth week and until the moment of birth, your developing baby is called a fetus.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Still here

Still waiting. Waiting. Waaaaiiiiting.
For lots of things.

For Bush to be out of office.

For the us to be out of iraq.

For our student loans paid off.

For a good time to pee on a stick.

Please forgive my irreverance. I'm not trying to minimize anything; just to give you a sense of what perspective is like for me right now.