Um. . . .Actually. . . . (or, blogpost in which I spiral out of control & then try to redeem myself)

So, twins. Yes, twins. Twins. See above diagram. Twins.

Twins will mean many things. (inshallah applies to all of these, please don't make me type it over & over & over)

• Twins means not three. Thank Jesus Christ. I had three "ripe" follicles when we inseminated.


• Twins means no more crazy-womyn-juice for me. Ever. Still want four? Let's see. And if so, there are other ways of adding to the family.

• Twins means we will have two more babies in the family.


• Everything is going to change. Guess what? Everything was going to change anyway. If I'm truthful, I'd have likely had a panic attack no matter what we found out at the sonogram today. It just happens that my panic attack is about twins. Our twins.


• Our back-to-tightwaddery begins now. I am feeling so vulnerable with all these thoughts swirling in my head. Don't tell anyone at work but I can't imagine I could keep my job (we would clear $ 300/month after daycare expenses and I commute and I could never keep any kind of travel schedule and I would be completely fucking useless anyway with what's left of my brain and I may already be!!) I'll have to work somewhere evenings/weekends because I can't get on Scully's insurance & I am someone who must have insurance. I don't know if Scully & I will ever see eachother or if we'll just do the kid-shuffle meet & greet as we pass between each other. And what if I have to be out on bedrest before the babies come and what if we tank through my paid leave and our savings during the pregnancy? Money does not really make us safer in the world and I get that but having something in savings makes me feel a bit more secure. Even if that savings account is rapidly losing value simply because it is in US dollars.


• And women do this all the time with less money, less support, less resources, without respect from their partner, facing violence from immigration officials detaining them or their family, violence from their partner who says "sure you're pregnant & bleeding but there's nothing wrong with your mouth", violence from the welfare state which monitors and controls their mothering, their bodies, their lives. . . Women do this all the time. with less help. with greater risks.

• Khubz was just crying. I went upstairs to get her out of her crib (it's 5 am.) She sat up, said "sheep", grabbed her sheep and moved into my arms. I sat in the chair holding her and she immediately fell back asleep, her body nuzzled into mine, her face nuzzled into sheep. And I thought "I cannot wait to give you more family to love." And I thought "I cannot believe I will have two more babies, inshallah, to hold and love the way i hold & love khubz." And I kissed her head and thought "ya, Khubz, I am so sorry that everything between me & you is going to change." And I thought "I hope we are doing the right thing for you." And I thought "I am a bit fucking scared right now."

• So please don't mishear me, blogosphere/dear reader/universe/goddess. I am grateful, excited, thankful, humbled by this new way in the world. I know that I don't know anything yet. And I do believe that Scully & Khubz and I all bounce really well. I am keenly aware that many women may not even know they are pregnant yet and that means we have a lot of distance to cover. I know many things may yet happen and my energy should exclusively go towards hoping we all get safely into the world & stay. And I do hope that. And I do wish & pray for the well-being of my family.

• And I'm feeling a bit better. And I know we're all adjusting to an idea.

• And I am excited to pick pairs of names and put them on my tongue along with "Khubz" and "Scully" and "Fruitfemme"

• And I know we have lots of family we can move in with. (ahem, are you reading this Kelly?)

• And I know we have phenomenal supportive friends

• And I know Scully woke up at 3 in the morning to help me through my panic attack and I know I will have more & I know Scully is actually quite practiced at helping me recenter

• And along with that I know that I have cavernous emotional-needs and I cannot expect one partner or one blog to absorb all of that

• And so I'm going to leave it there and go check out the double-stroller at a garage sale while the rest of my family is still sound asleep.

love you,

the ff