Wednesday, August 15, 2007

If anyone cared

I love stealing ideas. Especially from this blog.

Letters I would write if anyone cared:

Dear uncle bill,

i really wish we would have stopped by at least once. We drove by your town 4 times a year for the last 6 years and I just never stopped. Thank you for stopping by in my dream to meet my daughter. i'm so sorry. i just didn't think it was possible for you to die.

missing your presence in the world, Jannie

Dear Super-wacky, anti-interracial marriage, woman&immigrant&homo-hating evangelists,
please stop wasting paper by jamming your weirdo pamphlets into our front door. Our recycling bin fills up fast enough as it is. My partner already knows jesus and has emergency contact information in case jesus gets lost anytime in the future. As for me? I hate your god.
Sincerely, my soul.
p.s. i go down on women. prayerfully.
Dear hoa supreme overlord,
what is your fucking problem? you think we have more money to pour into your shifty/shitty pockets so you can pay your son $70/hour to mow the grass? don't you know people live in townhouses because they are trying to save what little money they have? if you raise our gddm hoa fee we will be paying 1/4th of our housing costs to satisfy your neverending, ever-escalating appetite. If we did not have to pay your stupid fee (or if you had left your stupid fee at the rate it was when we bought this place) we would have our house paid off 10 years sooner. You are an ass.
sincerely, two women who do, in fact, own a hammer
p.s. that fucking dead squirrel is still in the yard behind our house. i am not picking it up. eventually you or your offspring will have to mow the patch of grass where it is decomposing. if that lawn mower sprays chopped up decomposed squirrel bits on my deck i will personally mail you all the road kill between here and iowa on a monthly basis (along with our check)
Dear white canvas bag with pictures for my in-laws and with Sally's sonicare toothbrush all of which I was supposed to put in the mail,
Where are you??
sincerely, off to print more pictures and buy a toothbrush
p.s. are you with my old debit card? or with my favorite measuring cup? or with my flash drive?
Dear daycare provider,
I am sorry we don't pay you more. Your work is to protect and nurture our beloved. You certainly deserve to be paid more. But we don't pay you more. And so you have to take more kids. And it is unfair of me to grimace when I heard you were taking another infant. But I did. And I can't hardly stand to think about it now. If we could pay you more we certainly would. I am so grateful to know that you love our girl and to feel secure in knowing that you would never hurt her. Even though she is almost one she is still a baby. I don't want her to be one of a gaggle. (unless she was one of a gaggle of brothers & sisters.) The kids she spends all day with are not her family. We are. How can I feel so indebted to you and so entitled at the same time? How can I feel such relief and such resentment? I know this is unfair. I know women are trained to compete, dislike each other, resent one another. I am profoundly thankful to have Khubz and always grateful she is with someone who loves her--even though she should be with one of her mommies.
sincerely, umm-Khubz
p.s. i know that none of this is your fault. i hope you don't think it's my fault either.
Dear Mo,
Please, please, please ditch Sydney. She is a two-timing bitch. You & your neurotic ways deserve better. Remember Hillary? She's got a kid now! Imagine all the anxiety you can channel into being partnered with a woman who has an infant! Endless possibilities!
sincerely, adoring reader
p.s. stay far away from Clarice. Do you hear me??


Dear menses,

Uh. . . WOW. Welcome back! How did that happen?

sincerely, weaning-is-doing-something

p.s. the shedding is a good start. can you mention something to the ovaries about follicle development? just thought I'd ask.


Two Shews said...

Oh, how I miss you ladies. This post made me laugh water out of my nose.

a mac said...

holy mother of blogging...that was hysterical. i have no doubt the entire garden level now thinks i'm crazy i laughed so hard...

this makes up for the re-runs.

yes i am paying you, you just don't value my presence as payment.

yes i am entitled.

a mac

The Fledgling Lesbian said...

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I am a little embarrassed my how loud I laughed at the hoa supreme letter. You are a wonderful writer.

Anonymous said...

Yes, I see now that you are in fact soooo funny. I kinda hope that the supreme HOA or his most vile offspring doesn't pick up the rotting squirrel because that is a post I want to read!

You make my day brighter.

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