Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Yes, She is Breathing

I have this good friend (many good friends, actually)

But we're going to talk about this one good friend. I was going to refer to her as "Hairball" but she requested the codename Mulder. (Moulder? Mulder? More proof that I am not an X-files fan, though I am surrounded by them.)

We arranged a babysitting-lunch exchange. Scully & I were heading off for our first post-Khubz date. She arrived about noon and it occurred to me that I had not started the quinoa. "Welcome!" I said, "lunch should be in about an hour. You don't mind cooking it, right?"


I snuck out of the house as Mulder was giving Khubz a bottle. Chickpeas & okra was bubbling on the stove. Quinoa was simmering in the ricecooker.
From the doorway & out of Khubz view I whisper edicts (err, I mean, reminders) for Scully to pass along to Mulder.

Pssst. Tell her the stove is on. It's on. Remind her!

"My loving partner has asked me to speak on her behalf. The stove is on."

The ricecooker will beep.

" The ricecooker will beep when it's ready."

The diapers are over there.

"Mulder, the diapers are over there."

She can call us for anything. Anything, Any-

"Yes. Yes. Call us if you need anything. Really. Okay, let's go. Let's go now."

The movie was great. There were a couple moments where I thought, God is she crying? Is she looking around & wondering why we're not there? What if she's been crying the whole time? That's a hideous thought. Maybe they're having a good time?

"Fruitfemme, aren't you the one who told me that Mulder has 93 nieces & nephews?"


"And didn't you tell me that she adores them unendingly and often babysits?"


"And didn't you tell me that none of those children had lost any limbs or digits while being watched by Mulder?"


"Watch the movie."

I did. It was really good. I didn't even have any dark movie anxiety (like I did all through LOTR or even in Prisoner of Azkaban.) This is even the first movie that made me say, "maybe I would like the books."

And I was thrilled by the entire ritual of movie going. Driving with Scully, for example, without screaming from the carseat or without worrying about screaming starting. Purchasing the tickets, "two adults, please!" and eating a food designed to be choked on: popcorn.

It was especially nice to sit next to Scully and lean against her. It was nice.

But then the movie was over. I call before the credits start rolling.

"She's asleep. And she's been asleep for about an hour and a half" Mulder whispers to me on the phone.

"Really?! Then we're going to go get iced coffee! And we're also going to need you to come over every night some time between 8 and 10 to get her to go to sleep."

We made it as far as Mass street and decided that uninterrupted time at Dusty Bookshelf outranked Java Break. 10 minutes later. . .

"Are you ready to go?"

No. Not really.

"Because you're hovering."

Umm. . . Okay, yes. Actually. I am ready to go.

So we get home. We enter quietly. The child is still asleep. Amazing. But, what's that smell?

"What's that smell?" I whisper. "It smells like--"

"It is. Gas." Scully went immediately to the kitchen where she turned off the stove. The unlit stove. The stove that was pumping natural gas into the house where my baby was. Let me say that again. No, I'd better not.

"Was it on??" Scully nods. "I'm so sorry! I should never have left it on." I have turned to Mulder as I apologize. Khubz is still slumbering in Mulder's arms. Gas seeping into the house. Slumbering baby taking unusually long nap. Wait---

"IS SHE BREATHING?!!!!!" I grab Khubz to put my hands on her body. No one can be trusted, remember, so it is not enough to be told she is breathing. Nor is it enough to see her breathing or even to hear that she is, in fact, breathing. I have to feel her chest inhale/exhale with my own hands.

Yes. She is breathing. And, actually, now she's awake.

Mulder is apologizing for the stove (the stove I left on.) Apologizing for not noticing the smell. Apologizing that Khubz took such a gloriously long nap.

Apologizing for giving us a great date outing while our child slept peacefully.

I, on the other hand, was apologizing for trying to gas them while Scully and I were living it up.

So lessons?

  • The front right burner does not hold the flame on low
  • It is a good idea to go out together
  • Go see the Harry Potter movie
  • Next time, don't greet your good friend giving you free babysitting by coming home and shrieking, "IS SHE BREATHING?!!"


Anonymous said...

Clarification! I smelled the gas first, Fruitfemme thought it was her crocs and dismissed it.

J said...

yeah, you think you're pretty f'n funny. i do to (sometimes)


Two Shews said...

OMG. I just laughed until I peed a little. I can see the entire scene playing out in my mind.

PS. We have an electric stove.

Anonymous said...

And Fruitfemme forgot to mention leaving on the date if I knew how to help a choking infant.

That was kinda funny, too. In a totally responsible and appropriate sort of way, of course.