A es por Alfabeto y Aye Dios Mio!

The people have spoken. . .All 13 of you. (How many of those votes came from me at various computers around Wichita? Hmm. . . Trade secret)

And we're working through the alphabet in Spanish. In keeping with my reread of 1984 we will strictly follow Big Brother's official Spanish alphabet.

Okay, okay, okay. . . This is all about to be renamed as "A Pretty Bad Post"
I've been trying to write something--anything--that would be witty or funny to keep a light atmosphere on the blog. But unfortunately, I keep coming back to this delightful note:

I think we're all going to die.


"Powerpuffgirl" (we're still searching for a nickname for S.) and I were watching this documentary on PBS yesterday about the historical/philosophical/political roots of al qaeda. thumbs up for starting decades back, showing how individuals influenced each other, were influenced by philosophers, state fascism & torture. thumbs down for focusing on particular arabic words, exoticizing them & creating a "foreign, terroristic lexicon" of words like "madrassa" (a.k.a. school, assholes.)

And there was this point where they talked about how al qaeda wanted to bring the western battle to the east and some supposed notes suggested the three best locations would be afghanistan, iraq or somalia. Provoke the west and they will respond like cowboys.

This is when I buried my head in "PhD-to-be" girl's chest and wept.
I wish they had also shown the philosophical & historical influences on western actors (cheney, bush I & II, clinton, blair) that supported their ideas & actions. Cultural ideas like "manifest destiny."

so that's the emotional background I've got as I try to write something about the Duke rape case that isn't predictable, shrill and defeatist. Everything is so cliched at this point but not writing about it all feels cowardly. And then there's Imus. And just now hearing about the shootings at Virginia Tech.
And then, of course, there's the advocate in me that says, "Do you think anything new is going on? Don't you know that women are harmed in countless ways every moment?"

And all of this is lapping against a feeling that I don't get to feel hopeless because I'm a mommy now. Of course mommies must persevere or what's the point? And also, having been granted my most fiercely-held dream (having wished/prayed/worked) of being a mommy, who am I exactly to feel hopeless?

Sigh.
Sigh.
Sigh.

And hopeless isn't even the right word because I don't look at the people I love and say, nope--still no feelings of hope. It's more like this sense that there's a pointless, endless violence.

Adding to my feelings of despondence. . .

• I saw the movie "Children of Men" this weekend. It's something I'd love to watch again because it had multiple levels, critiquing xenophobia/'terrorism' etc. But I'd like to see it on a day when I'm not planning on having any more kids or not planning on having feelings of love for children, because it is horrific. I won't actually talk about why. It's beyond graphic. Additionally, why is it called children of MEN? Women are completely commodified and erased. It's weird and I'd like to see it again to explore it's weirdness except I would like to maintain my will to live.
• I bought a swimsuit this weekend. That surely speaks for itself and I'm a fat woman who is politically informed, feminist, generally loving of my body and still I'm not saying anything else. What is wrong with me?

Okay, I'm cutting it off here.

that list was my last attempt at injecting some sense of humor back in to the blog and instead it came out as self-hating and pathetic.

We'll try another day. Maybe "B" will be for "Basta!"