Monday, October 29, 2007

Torture Memos

Yeah, you may have heard that George Bush, Alberto Gonzales, the us intelligence service and various military leaders all got together to try and articulate the many horrible things one can get away with in the name of protecting the fatherland.

This post will not be about that. If I got your hopes up with the blog title just go get some Carolyn Forche' poems. She'll meet your mood today.

Instead, consider the plight of our dear Khubz:

  • Her mommies have begun wrestling her to the ground throughout the day. Mama pins her down with her body while Mommy says something reassuring like, "It's okay, habibeti, it's okay. Just open your eyes. . . Open. . .Abre tu ojos. . . Abre. . .Abre" And despite the reassuring voice, the clearly crazed Mommy pries Khubz's eye open and administers what one can only assume is poison. Or antibiotic eye drops for pink eye.
  • On Friday she was strapped into a carseat for 8 hours while zipping south on I-35. On Sunday, 8 more hours while heading north. To what point and purpose? Why are we heading back up when Tita, the keeper of all abuelita-related goodness and the maker of really yummy quesedillas, is still in Texas???
  • Once she finally got home on Sunday and was released from her aforementioned restraints, what was her reward? Lentils! Lentils with fresh rosemary, but lentils none the less. Unbelievable.
  • Additionally, the "keeper of the cheesecake" has been getting stingy. No matter how Khubz would sign "leche" then climb up on my lap and sign it again an inch away from my face "LECHE" and even when she signed a two-part phrase: "LECHE, POR FAVOR" It was unreal the way that Mommy just shook her head even in the face of a tearful (and starving--note the aforementioned lentils) Khubz. Sure, Mama whisked her away to go tumble around in the grass, but Khubz knew there was cheesecake inside. And sure, she's having a good time with Mama now but as soon as she remembers how upset she is watch out!
  • Because the keeper of the cheesecake is being hateful, Khubz wasn't even given cheesecake before being put down for her nap. This, in fact, is a violation of her constitutional rights. She let us know. "This idea SUCKS!" she screamed as Mommy kissed her head and laid her in the crib. "I will NOT kiss the bunny pillow night-night for naptime. I will BITE the bunny!" Mommy quietly walked out of the room and went downstairs where she and Mama surely toasted champagne and likely feasted on cheesecake. Bitches.
  • Finally, the mommies are neglecting their nighttime duties. Khubz woke up three separate times last night and each time Mama came into the room and patted her on the head IGNORING Khubz's screams from her crib of solitary confinement. Did Mama forget how this works?? Khubz cries, Mama comes to pick her up, brings her into the family bed (now distressingly being referred to as the "mommies' bed") where Khubz snuggles in for the night. Just Khubz, Mama, Mommy and and endless nighttime cheesecake buffet. What is wrong with them lately?

It's bad, I know. She is really, really pissed at us.

I have to keep her away from other babies for awhile (especially babies like this one.) I don't think I could handle an organized movement of them.


dawn224 said...

Dear Khubz,

I can NOT believe they are treating you this way!

With holding cheesecake is really mean! And this is coming from a baby who had parents who encouraged a strange woman to gouge out my thighs with sharp needles today!

Kaiser Alex

Braden James said...


You must take action immediately to stop further injustices against you.

It appears you have yet to affectively break the will of your Parental Units.

Please see this directive for my best assistance with your plight:

Onward, Soldiers!

I know you will soon be victorious.

Braden James Carroll

Amy said...

Dear Khubz,

I fear that there is something in the air lately, it seems that all of our Mama's have broken! *sob*

For further assistance with helping to re-train your Mama (so that she does everything) I would visit here it contains some great info.

And with holding cheesecake is just plain wrong. I hope to see you involved in our revolution.


Anonymous said...

The revolution has started! This morning Khubz, walked into daycare, sat down on the carpet and quietly began to play with the other children. As I chatted with her teacher she asked me if I had drugged her because she was not crying! I said no of course. When it was time to leave, my darling independent 13 month old looked up and only acknowledged my departure with a wave. No screaming, no crying, no sad faces!