This is not a diet blog

Please don't feel any fear.

I have been fat all my life.

I remember being in second grade and being told I had big boobs. I didn't have big boobs. Actually, I was just fatty. Everywhere. Including my quite prepubescent chest.

I actually enjoy roundness, including my own.

I met the venus of willendorf when we came back to the states to live. I was 12. My witchy sister who had been living here for years was living in a small apartment with her partner and her ferrets and her cat. I came to her house to hang out and the only spot there was for me to pray was right in front of her witchy altar. And there was the venus. I prayed before her with arabic words, muslim ritual form and complete devotion to her.

I loved her for her round form, her stance, all the places where she curved and poured. It was impossible to ignore her. I loved her large legs, her sagging breasts, her distinctly drawn labia. I was lost in her face--a maze of anything i needed.

I have loved her ever since. I was raised with the idea that I am sacred. But it was the first conscious moment where I knew that my body as it is might just be sacred. And I trembled with the thought that I might worship that which was like me.

I have a necklace of the venus in bronze. "Is that Buddha?" I was constantly asked. "Look closer" I offer them the perfect view of her cunt.

Writing from KY, I am wearing the small silver labrys I've worn the last 8 years. And I'm not trading in the labrys for the venus--so please no worries of prioritizing identities. But I think I need her now. Distinctly.

Being such a large woman now pregnant with twins means I am acutely aware of gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, diabetes in general, worried about throwing my back out when I'm only 4 months along. . . . you can all guess. I've also been reading that some of the best indicators of health for twins is the mom's nutrition and steady weight gain throughout the pregnancy.

And 120 grams of protein a day.

So I find myself charting what I eat, how much, it's calorie content, protein content, whether it is a good source of fiber, folic acid or calcium. This is not my natural state. So I want the goddess with me, right with me, alongside me, dangling over my throat, my heart, above my belly. I'm not trying to get away from her. I know I am her. While all this change is swirling around me, that is not going to change.

She has plenty for me to hold on to. Joyfully.