randomness, eh?

First, great news--I felt the baby move last week! The bean has been swishing and kicking and rolling around ever since. Watermelon is especially appreciated.

Things at work are better. Busy. But better.

Khubz is incredible. Our friends "MMshel" (also known as "Meowmeow" or "Rainbow") and "Lawrly" were over for dinner last night. Khubz ran Michelle ragged while Scully and I watched Laurie cook dinner. I love having you two for dinner, I declared.

After dinner we chatted, Scully got out the bingo and puzzle cards, Khubz sang twinkle twinkle, gave hugs and "I love yous" as they were leaving. Once they left Khubz climbed on top of Scully looked up at me and said "I tired, mommy." Whew! I'm not gonna make her say it twice!

A quick bath, a brief fight over jammies, two short stories and no screaming even as I turned off the light and closed her door.

Scully cues up the next obligatory episode of X-files. I made it the first 7 minutes before passing out on the couch. Scully woke me up at the end, gave me a quick synopsis of the episode and got me up to bed.

Other thoughts are swirling around my head:

My Dad. Its all so hard but it's not one of those "it doesn't have to be this way." because it feels like it does have to be this way. He absolutely loves me, absolutely loves Khubz, cares about Scully and is kind and considerate to her. When he gets a present for MajPaj he always looks for a parrallel gift for Khubz. When Khubz was 6 weeks old my Dad came home bursting with excitement. He had found pillows that curve in an arc and were shaped like an elephant and a bunny. They curve into an arc just perfect for nuzzling. He was thrilled that he found these pillows for his two new grandbabies. He got matching shirts for Khubz and MajPaj that say "I make dirt look good."

He loves them both. He does not question Khubz's place in our family or in the world.
He has a lot more contact with MajPaj because he sees him every day. Every single day. And that does impact their relationship. MajPaj and Grandpa have inside jokes, rituals, favorite stories and code words.

Part of my struggle is to make sure I'm not projecting all the distance and difficulty and tension that I feel onto his relationship with Khubz. At the same time he does get to be hesitant and tentative in relation to me and Scully. That's fine. That's human. There are some hard dynamics and they make me sad but they are not his fault.

But all bets are off with Khubz. He does not get that grace when it comes to her. And it is fine for her to learn that there are different levels of intimacy and closeness. But it is not okay for her to wonder why, whether the root of this is about her proximity or her identity. So I guess that means I have to figure that out a bit more before I rant any more.