hold tight

My youngest kid is quite a bit like me and also not like me.

They are attuned to other people's emotions.  They are scrappy & sometimes insist on a place for themselves.  They have a very harsh inner critic.  They take the stress and anxiety they feel and turn that pressure inward.  They exclude themselves from their own kindness. 

This leads to some harmful coping skills.  There are a wide variety of harmful responses to anxiety.  Sometimes they scare me.  Sometimes they scare themselves. I don't want my child to be burdened with fear about my mental health but I did share that I, too, have a cruel inner critic.  I, too, need to work on kindness to myself. I did tell my youngest, "My wellness is connected to your wellness." This statement is true, may be unfair, could be manipulative and is definitely rooted in my own fear & need.  It is a tether, a safety.  The thing we have & never hope to use.  

We are apart for the month of July.  I will miss both of  my children and my partner.  I will miss seeing their faces & touching them & hearing how the day has been.  The hardest part of it, though, will be not really knowing if everyone is okay.  And if someone is not okay, if they are okay in the way they aren't okay. 

As my family was leaving, Scully was going over her checklist one last time.  There was a marker & my youngest child had shorts so I wrote on their leg, "Mommy loves you"  My youngest wrote on my leg, "Lp/Lo love mommy."  We had one more moment and my youngest pulled me towards them, taking my hand.  "My wellness is connected to your wellness," I reminded them. "Please be kind to yourself."  They nodded and then scrawled out on the back of my hand, "Then I will stay well for you."

I know this is not the right, final answer.  I know being well for themselves is the answer.  But this is a tether & I will hold on to it.