The Fruit Basket

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Cringe again

So you want more cringe stories? More, eh?

How about this.

I have a membership at an unnamed local video rental store. We had a family membership because you can get additional people signed up and it's free. So I go there with my first (completely ridiculous, shouldn't even count as a relationship) girlfriend and we get our movies. Some point along our completely ridiculous relationship I wound up adding her to my account.

She already had one there but had racked up so much in fines & late fees that they had sent her to collections. This was not unusual. Do not even ask me about the letter from a random farmer who had been selling pumpkins out of his truck when she drove up loaded her entire oldsmobile--including the trunk--up with pumpkins to the tune of $120 and gave him a check she knew would bounce. . . do not even ask me about that letter.

Anyway, so foolishly i add her to my account and think, what is a late fee in the face of love???

Well, the real problem was that since it was a family account I had been added to with my family (a la, mom & dad) the real problem was that they called Mom & Dad when a movie was overdue or missing. Every day. They called every day. And my parents would growl at me and tell me to take care of it and to additionally tell the video place i didn't live there anymore. And I would. And the video place would call my parents every day. Every single day.

Why?

Because, of course, my then-girlfriend had an insatiable appetite for fag porn.

If you had the opportunity to call someone's mom and DAD every day and tell them that "Let's Play Anal Twister!" or "Big Dicks, Big Licks" is overdue, wouldn't you?

To this day, I can't even go near a video rental store without shuddering.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Cringe

There's this family story that comes up occasionally when my sister Joe (tia lila) and I are together. It involves me getting righteous, indignant and feeling like the age gap between us gives me license to order her around (all of two years.)

It happened when I was elevenish. All time in Arabia is divided into two areas: the apartment (the early years) or the villa (the later years.) We were in the villa. Joe and I shared a bathroom. She had recently discovered that if you roll up a ball of toilet paper and wet it with water it will stick to the corners of the shower, the wall, crevices along the bathtub. . . all kinds of cool places.

Spit balls, really. In all the corners of the bathroom.

This disgusted me. I was not a kid anymore to be entertained or envious of such tricks. I was a woman now & appropriately outraged.

So I find Joe and march her with my arms on her shoulders into the bathroom to show her something disgusting.

"What do you see??" I demanded as we both stepped in to the bathroom.

"um. . .you've got your period?"

(cue sucking sound as all my uppitiness leaves my body)

Ah, yes. so it seems I've accidentally left my bloody pad on the floor of the bathroom. But look up, look UP, UP! Do you see those disgusting spit balls!

Yeah. So I cringe even as I retell this story, even as I did at coffee Saturday night with the sisters and a few others.

But I got to this story from telling a more recent story, one that had happened earlier on Saturday. Joe, Samm, my mom & I were all sitting in Mom's living room. Joe & Samm were discussing that virus that women are tested for just prior to giving birth. If they have it, the docs administer an antibiotic. I don't remember what it's called but I do remember that the virus is not a sexually transmitted disease.

So Joe, trying to cue dr. Samm's memory of what it's called, is saying, "Oh you know. And they tested you for it when you're in early labor? And Fruitfemme tested positive for it? What's it called?" She looks to me. I'm squinting trying to remember. "Chlamydia! That's right! Chlamydia!"

"WHAT? I do not have Chlamydia!"

For the record, blogosphere, Chlamydia is one of the most common STDs in the us. There is nothing shameful about having Chlamydia. My vehemence was only due to the fact that it was spontaneously announced to my mother that I had it. If you would like more information about how Chlamydia is spread or treated visit this CDC website. Just scroll past the tragic looking white woman at the top--ignore her. Back to the story.

Laughter proceeded as Joe perhaps realizes she picked the wrong virus. Laughter, laughter, laughter from everyone. . . except my mother.

"was there some chlamydia scare i don't know about?" she asks gently.

"NO. For the record, there has never been any chlamydia scare of any kind. Also for the record, there has been no genital warts scare, no herpes scare, no PID scares, no scares of any kind whatsoever. . . For real, Mom. Mom? For real. Mom??"

"okay." she replies with an unconvinced inflection.

i just cringed.

Friday, June 20, 2008

traveling like a mfcker

I have been on the road constantly for the last month. I know that this should technically mean I would be blogging MORE (from hotel rooms) but it actually means I have been exhausted and get to sleep as soon as possible.

I'm still traveling a lot. Tomorrow & most of next week. So bare with me. While you're waiting, send some good vibes out. I can't tell you where to send them, exactly, because those aren't my stories to tell. But if you send them out in to the universe in the next couple of days they won't go to waste. I promise.

love, the ff

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Joy in a new day!

....a time to plant, a time to reap....
Originally uploaded by *Rosemea

Scully has turned in her comps paper!

AND SHE'S STILL ALIVE!

What she is not: she is not awake. I expect her to sleep the rest of the week. We aren't spring chickens anymore, right?, and Scully got about 10 hours of sleep since Friday. By that measure, we snoozed soundly when Khubz was a newborn.

So YEA SCULLY!
Even if she did see invisible spiders everywhere towards the end.